Itouch with Peel able to function just like a iphone? Able to support data plan, whatsapp, sms etc.. ?

okay, so here's what your gonna wanna do. you wanna take the orange, okay. and then, listen to me now, you're gonna wanna juice it with a cheesecloth then freeze the juice. you followin me? okay, good. then, you're gonna wanna take the frozen OJ and squeeze it into the ipod. then, you're gonna wanna finagle the ipod so it does this thing. and then, and only then, badda bing badda boom: problem solved.